Signed, A Queer Kid From Florida

Every year when Pride rolls around, we’re asked the dreaded question…”What does Pride mean to you?” 

You may ask, why dreaded? Because Pride can mean anything and everything! I often get flustered at the question. Suddenly I’m rethinking my entire life. And now, they’re staring at me. I promise, I know what that word means…give me a second. I swear, I’m gay.

How can I succinctly say that Pride is representation and power, and softness and empathy? How do I say that it is resistance and tradition? These days, Pride is even pissing in your preferred bathroom. And do people even want to hear that? People want to hear that Pride is love, Pride is equality, Pride is rainbows!! And while I wholeheartedly agree that those are accurate and significant definitions of Pride, if you know, you know. There is more to the story. 

This year, if you’ll indulge me in some story time, I’d like to answer the question with context.

Growing up in Orlando, Florida wasn’t always the easiest for a queer kid like me. I didn’t grow up with openly queer people in my sphere and Florida isn’t exactly known for its liberal values. You do the math. Still, I was always the “tomboy” type and I loved it. Not being into “typical girl stuff” and doing everything in my power to never wear a dress again was my badge of honor. It didn’t make me popular, but it did make some adults slightly disappointed. Then, Pride was being brave enough to resist the mold. 

When college came around and I dove head first into Women’s Studies, I took the next step in my identity as a feminist and activist. I flaunted my femininity as my strength and in some ways went back on my definition of Pride. It wasn’t about being different. You could throw away all the rules! Or you could take solace in what bonds you to others. Who’s to say which is right? Empathy became my power and my Pride. 

Shortly after college, believe it or not, I was 21 and found myself in a legally binding marriage with a cis-het man *gasp*. My decision was fueled mostly by my hatred for the American immigration process and the need to get my mother off my back. As you may have guessed, that didn’t last very long and only a few months later, I was confessing my regret of never having explored my sexuality. Leaving that relationship and finding myself in a waiting room full lady divorcees was certainly a moment of Pride. 

Then came the actual coming out. Having to tell my Roman Catholic, Latino mother that I was gay (??) was no easy feat. I knew it wasn’t going to go well, and it didn’t. And then she outed me to my dad. He changed the family Netflix password that night. That’s how I found out. And even though I was deeply traumatized, I was full of Pride. Despite my tears, I had never been happier to know myself.

After a few years of holding out for change, I found myself on the road to Denver, Colorado. A place where I could openly be in community, have a fresh start, get into snowboarding like I always wanted, and to medicate the anxiety with legal cannabis. For some time, my Pride was rooted in spite. I was going to be gay and there was nothing my lame parents could do about it. I was going to create a safe space despite the haters. I’d show them. 

As you can imagine, nearing 30, that shit got exhausting real quick. Did you know that hating haters is still letting them take up space? Plus, I have anxiety. My brain needs as much space as possible to think anywhere close to clearly. 

So now, what is my Pride rooted in? Currently, it’s my community. The haters will always be there but de-centering their voices has given me the peace I never knew I needed. And when I stopped chasing after approval I would never receive, I found my community. 

It’s not always easy, but I’m reminded of the benefits of growth when my queer friends invite me to their kid’s gender neutral pirate-princess birthday party. Or when I meet new clients and it feels like we’ve known each other for years. Building my community with intention has given me the tools to be successful and to feel safe when I leave the house. It’s why most days I am lucky enough to not have to think about Pride. I’ve built my whole life on making every month Pride Month. 

After a few decades on this planet, I’m learning that Pride isn’t about being the best or proving a point. It’s more about all of the moments where you feel truly free.

Cue the music! Happy Pride, everybody!!

Signed,

A Queer Kid From Florida